Puppeteers of anguish

The humans are behaving strange today.. Stranger than normal i mean.  They whisper and glance shiftily at me while they plot and snicker. They are preparing something. Something for me.  Something almost ritualistic.  

They already "ritualistically" removed my kibble's and bit's so i'm not sure what further unspeakable horror they could have in store for me now.

They even gave me a little extra food this morning... That's the real red flag.  They try to keep me trim and tone like some kind of damn show pony or bulimic runway model.  Yes I look amazing but I like to eat too!  Sure I don't like to stay outside or exercise very much to justify extra food but have you felt how hot it is out there? Talk about roasting wieners...

I'm just worried by the time I've figured out what these puppeteers of anguish have in store for me they will already have me sitting in the vets office or something.....

....oh dear God....

When I lick you lick we lick

The humans just don't understand me.  I thought it was a pretty clear and obvious thing. I need to lick them!  

They feel the compulsive need to kiss and hug each other and so do I.  But as rugged and stout as my arms are, they are just a tiny bit too short to hug them. 

And I like to kiss too.  I just like to use a lot of tongue very repetitively in random places where ever I can find open skin.  That's not that different than I've seen the humans do, let's be honest...

So human Kasey, especially, needs to get over himself and let me lick his face!  Luckily for me his beard is getting long enough I can pin his beard down with my paws and get a lick or two in before he pulls away.  He is so selfish.

Still bottom of the food chain...

So we're on the boat, apparently for a while. 

The humans got me this rediculous litter box that they actually think, in their pea sized brains, that I'm going to use. Idiots.

Anyway we stop at an island the other day and I'm running around on the beach while Kasey follows. This bird, a crow, a big bully, swoops at me and then lands near by.  I started to stand my ground and run at him but this guy was from the streets. He was hard. I stopped and stared him down. I wasn't gonna be pushed around by no bird. At the house it's different. The only reason i don't have chicken or duck dinner everynight is because I'm not "allowed" to chase them.

So anyway this crow then jumps twice at me. I didn't even know birds jumped! That got me a little off guard so i figured i wouldn't tear this punk up today. He wasn't worth my time. 

I casually trotted away in the opposite direction.  That coward then uses his only effective attack on me since he knew he would be out muscled on the ground. He flew up in the air and then dive bombed me from behind!

Lucky for him he didn't get close enough for me to bite or it would have been all over.

Kasey is laughing at this point instead of getting my back like a good bodyguard. What a jerk!

A brewery?

I don't really know what a brewery is nor do i care.  Why would you bring me somewhere, take me in with you, and then not let me down? I was a good boy too. I never whined or barked and you just sat there drinking your beer (which is disgusting by the way) with me on your lap like some kind of crotch trophy.

Ok... maybe i ran outside today when you where leaving and jumped in the car car and perhaps guilted you into letting me come with you... but thats besides the point! Dog park! Beef jerky factory! Somewhere cool man! Not a brewery...

It's potty time!

I don't really see what the big deal is. The humans go potty in the house every day. When I do it they freak out on me. Now I like to get beat as much as the next wiener but come on people.  

This potty thing is a two way street.  They go in the bathroom to potty, I follow and watch. So therefore when I go outside to go potty someone should follow me and watch! It just makes sense right?  

But no. My pets have gotten lazy and just let me out the front and close the door behind me.  Not only do I not like to be apart from them...ever...but they can't even have the decency to come watch me do my business and give me the love I deserve for doing so.

It's also really big and scary out there so I try to stay outside as little as possible.  Why would I brave the outdoors to potty when I could just go inside. When you are seven pounds of lean mean wiener machine there are a lot of things in the outside world that want you.  I can't help being so desirable but it's not the attention I want out there. I prefer to be inside my deliciously climate controlled house, preferably in a humans lap getting stroked.

I don't know If the humans and I will ever see eye to wiener on this.

Testicular removal ceremony

So things in my life are finally starting to settle in to a reasonable level of complacency.  The hours tick by and I make it through my daily list of activities. I wake up, I go outside to potty, I lounge on the couch, I sleep, I eat, I potty (this one may or may not be outside), I sleep some more.  That's pretty much my day but sometimes in a varying order.  Every now and then I do something exciting with my pets Kasey and Amber like a truck ride, a trip on the sailboat, or going to visit the dogs at Amber's parent's house.  Pretty much my life is a stale, mindless repetition of events that get cobbled together and labeled as day to day life.

I've realized what this disillusion stage of life that I have found myself in is considered by the humans.  They call this marriage.  I think normally this involves a member of the opposite sex (or the same sex as new laws would allow) but for me it doesn't involve the addition of a person in my life. It involves the loss of my testicles.

Ah! Maybe that's what happens to the human males during the wedding.  Wedding must be the human word for neuter. That would also explain why a lot of the times the human females get so angry over time after the wedding at the human males.  They are mad at the males because they no longer have that valuable part of their anatomy and have become week, docile, and lazy.

I wonder why people would agree to do this to themselves and exchange one life for another.  I guess there are rare occasions where people find happiness in their state of ignorance.  And I bet sometimes males who happen to find that person that makes them truly happy could have joy and fulfillment outweigh the loss of their testicles.

Humans are a very odd creature and since I have lost the drive for most physical pursuits I have taken to intellectual ones.  I will continue my observations in an attempt to unravel the mystery that is human behavior for the good of all dog kind.

I'm Hercules the super wiener!

Whatever

So.... here I am.  I figured I could write a blog post... or whatever.  I don't know why I'm really doing this. I don't know why I do anything really. What's the point.  I eat. I sleep. I hate everything.  

The only thing I even care about is food. Food will get me up and at'em. It's the only thing that gets me up anymore...

I don't know why I even tag along with Kasey anymore.  I still follow him around. I'm the first one in the truck if the door is open. I want to be next to him. This damn "man's best friend" credo is killing me because I really would like to kill him for what he did to my Jehovah's witnesses. (I call my balls Jehovah witnesses because the come in pairs and they keep knocking at your door but you never let them in.)

Anyway...

Whatever.

I'm going to take a nap.

Go **** yourself!

I don't know what a meme is but I don't like it...

So I know that I'm well indowed but this is rediculous.  This is a collection of pictures from a group text conversation between the whole family that I discovered on Kasey's phone.  I'm holding Kasey, Jonah, and Carey personally responsible for creating and sharing these invasive displays of so called "comedy."

despicable...

Sweet mother of God I was tricked!

Let's go for a ride in the truck he said. Lets go spend a wonderful fun filled day together. It would be just us two boys, windows down, cool breeze blowing, sun shining.  We would cruise around for a while. Maybe make a few stops for some nonsensical errands. It would be great, Just like it always is.

But this time wasn't like it always is. Not at all.

This time we went to the vet. Now I've been to the vet before. I don't really like it but it's not traumatizing.  They stick me with some needles and trim some nails.  You know, normal check up stuff.  This time they put me to sleep. This time during my peaceful slumber they TOOK.... MY.... F'ING... BALLS!!!

They removed my testicles!  My testicles are missing. Gone. No more. vamoose. Empty scrotum. Do you know... Can you even imagine what its like to wake up with a valued part of your anatomy missing?

Would you use a pen without ink?  Would you use a vehicle without gas? Would you use a gun without bullets? Or a sailboat without wind?  NO!  Then what the hell am I suppose to use my wiener for now?!

My sack looks like a kids birthday balloon after it has been deflated. Can you imagine the extreme life scarring sadness that little kid is feeling trying to play with their shriveled up useless birthday balloon?

I don't know who i'm more mad at. The vet for removing them or my human overlords for decreeing this dark deed to be done.

The icing on this cake of suffering has to be the ring of shame I've had to wear for a week so I "couldn't lick myself." This just adds insult to injury. It's like a kick in the nuts after a kick in the nuts. Oh Wait... I DON'T HAVE THOSE ANY MORE!

So I found out what a neuter was and let me tell you brother, it not a damn treat. Someone will pay for this. Someone will suffer what I have suffered. The will feel my deeply entrenched emotional and physical torment.

Although, annoyingly, i'm starting to feel slightly less aggressive. What is going on?

Look at that smug SOB. We are on the way to the vet. If I had known then....

I can't even enjoy being on the boat. I hate my life.

WTF?! I can't even begin to comment.