Testicular removal ceremony

So things in my life are finally starting to settle in to a reasonable level of complacency.  The hours tick by and I make it through my daily list of activities. I wake up, I go outside to potty, I lounge on the couch, I sleep, I eat, I potty (this one may or may not be outside), I sleep some more.  That's pretty much my day but sometimes in a varying order.  Every now and then I do something exciting with my pets Kasey and Amber like a truck ride, a trip on the sailboat, or going to visit the dogs at Amber's parent's house.  Pretty much my life is a stale, mindless repetition of events that get cobbled together and labeled as day to day life.

I've realized what this disillusion stage of life that I have found myself in is considered by the humans.  They call this marriage.  I think normally this involves a member of the opposite sex (or the same sex as new laws would allow) but for me it doesn't involve the addition of a person in my life. It involves the loss of my testicles.

Ah! Maybe that's what happens to the human males during the wedding.  Wedding must be the human word for neuter. That would also explain why a lot of the times the human females get so angry over time after the wedding at the human males.  They are mad at the males because they no longer have that valuable part of their anatomy and have become week, docile, and lazy.

I wonder why people would agree to do this to themselves and exchange one life for another.  I guess there are rare occasions where people find happiness in their state of ignorance.  And I bet sometimes males who happen to find that person that makes them truly happy could have joy and fulfillment outweigh the loss of their testicles.

Humans are a very odd creature and since I have lost the drive for most physical pursuits I have taken to intellectual ones.  I will continue my observations in an attempt to unravel the mystery that is human behavior for the good of all dog kind.

I'm Hercules the super wiener!

Whatever

So.... here I am.  I figured I could write a blog post... or whatever.  I don't know why I'm really doing this. I don't know why I do anything really. What's the point.  I eat. I sleep. I hate everything.  

The only thing I even care about is food. Food will get me up and at'em. It's the only thing that gets me up anymore...

I don't know why I even tag along with Kasey anymore.  I still follow him around. I'm the first one in the truck if the door is open. I want to be next to him. This damn "man's best friend" credo is killing me because I really would like to kill him for what he did to my Jehovah's witnesses. (I call my balls Jehovah witnesses because the come in pairs and they keep knocking at your door but you never let them in.)

Anyway...

Whatever.

I'm going to take a nap.

Go **** yourself!

I don't know what a meme is but I don't like it...

So I know that I'm well indowed but this is rediculous.  This is a collection of pictures from a group text conversation between the whole family that I discovered on Kasey's phone.  I'm holding Kasey, Jonah, and Carey personally responsible for creating and sharing these invasive displays of so called "comedy."

despicable...

Sweet mother of God I was tricked!

Let's go for a ride in the truck he said. Lets go spend a wonderful fun filled day together. It would be just us two boys, windows down, cool breeze blowing, sun shining.  We would cruise around for a while. Maybe make a few stops for some nonsensical errands. It would be great, Just like it always is.

But this time wasn't like it always is. Not at all.

This time we went to the vet. Now I've been to the vet before. I don't really like it but it's not traumatizing.  They stick me with some needles and trim some nails.  You know, normal check up stuff.  This time they put me to sleep. This time during my peaceful slumber they TOOK.... MY.... F'ING... BALLS!!!

They removed my testicles!  My testicles are missing. Gone. No more. vamoose. Empty scrotum. Do you know... Can you even imagine what its like to wake up with a valued part of your anatomy missing?

Would you use a pen without ink?  Would you use a vehicle without gas? Would you use a gun without bullets? Or a sailboat without wind?  NO!  Then what the hell am I suppose to use my wiener for now?!

My sack looks like a kids birthday balloon after it has been deflated. Can you imagine the extreme life scarring sadness that little kid is feeling trying to play with their shriveled up useless birthday balloon?

I don't know who i'm more mad at. The vet for removing them or my human overlords for decreeing this dark deed to be done.

The icing on this cake of suffering has to be the ring of shame I've had to wear for a week so I "couldn't lick myself." This just adds insult to injury. It's like a kick in the nuts after a kick in the nuts. Oh Wait... I DON'T HAVE THOSE ANY MORE!

So I found out what a neuter was and let me tell you brother, it not a damn treat. Someone will pay for this. Someone will suffer what I have suffered. The will feel my deeply entrenched emotional and physical torment.

Although, annoyingly, i'm starting to feel slightly less aggressive. What is going on?

Look at that smug SOB. We are on the way to the vet. If I had known then....

I can't even enjoy being on the boat. I hate my life.

WTF?! I can't even begin to comment.

I'm so excited

I must share with everyone the awesome news. The humans have been gabbing on all week about a special treat they are giving me tomorrow. Every day they seem to get more and more excited about it.

I don't think I have ever seen them so enthusiastic about something. Well actually Kasey and Jonah go through various stages of being happy about my treat and then give me these looks like they are about to say goodbye to an old friend.  I am confused.

I do think the treat is food of some kind though.  The humans keep motioning to my belly when they are talking about it.

Either way its hard to sleep. I guess I should sleep though because they just took away my food and water. Oh well. I wonder how a neuter tastes anyway....

It's not what it looks like...

I don't know how this video got leaked but it is definitely, positively not what it looks like...  

He came on to me! I told him "no, i'm not into that sort of thing because it's wrong and unnatural," but he wouldn't listen. You see how big he is. I couldn't tell him no or who knows what he would do to me.  He told me I had a pretty mouth and stuff and stared at me with an evil glint in his eyes.

Despite how it looks I was definitely not enjoying myself. Duke probably was enjoying himself because he's that kind of dog. I, on the other hand, am a wholesome and respectable canine. Although I do get lonely... From time to time... 

I think i'm being set up here. This is blackmail! I wonder what the demands will be? I have a stash of Jack's Links Beef Jerky! Take it all!