It's potty time!

I don't really see what the big deal is. The humans go potty in the house every day. When I do it they freak out on me. Now I like to get beat as much as the next wiener but come on people.  

This potty thing is a two way street.  They go in the bathroom to potty, I follow and watch. So therefore when I go outside to go potty someone should follow me and watch! It just makes sense right?  

But no. My pets have gotten lazy and just let me out the front and close the door behind me.  Not only do I not like to be apart from them...ever...but they can't even have the decency to come watch me do my business and give me the love I deserve for doing so.

It's also really big and scary out there so I try to stay outside as little as possible.  Why would I brave the outdoors to potty when I could just go inside. When you are seven pounds of lean mean wiener machine there are a lot of things in the outside world that want you.  I can't help being so desirable but it's not the attention I want out there. I prefer to be inside my deliciously climate controlled house, preferably in a humans lap getting stroked.

I don't know If the humans and I will ever see eye to wiener on this.

Testicular removal ceremony

So things in my life are finally starting to settle in to a reasonable level of complacency.  The hours tick by and I make it through my daily list of activities. I wake up, I go outside to potty, I lounge on the couch, I sleep, I eat, I potty (this one may or may not be outside), I sleep some more.  That's pretty much my day but sometimes in a varying order.  Every now and then I do something exciting with my pets Kasey and Amber like a truck ride, a trip on the sailboat, or going to visit the dogs at Amber's parent's house.  Pretty much my life is a stale, mindless repetition of events that get cobbled together and labeled as day to day life.

I've realized what this disillusion stage of life that I have found myself in is considered by the humans.  They call this marriage.  I think normally this involves a member of the opposite sex (or the same sex as new laws would allow) but for me it doesn't involve the addition of a person in my life. It involves the loss of my testicles.

Ah! Maybe that's what happens to the human males during the wedding.  Wedding must be the human word for neuter. That would also explain why a lot of the times the human females get so angry over time after the wedding at the human males.  They are mad at the males because they no longer have that valuable part of their anatomy and have become week, docile, and lazy.

I wonder why people would agree to do this to themselves and exchange one life for another.  I guess there are rare occasions where people find happiness in their state of ignorance.  And I bet sometimes males who happen to find that person that makes them truly happy could have joy and fulfillment outweigh the loss of their testicles.

Humans are a very odd creature and since I have lost the drive for most physical pursuits I have taken to intellectual ones.  I will continue my observations in an attempt to unravel the mystery that is human behavior for the good of all dog kind.

I'm Hercules the super wiener!

Whatever

So.... here I am.  I figured I could write a blog post... or whatever.  I don't know why I'm really doing this. I don't know why I do anything really. What's the point.  I eat. I sleep. I hate everything.  

The only thing I even care about is food. Food will get me up and at'em. It's the only thing that gets me up anymore...

I don't know why I even tag along with Kasey anymore.  I still follow him around. I'm the first one in the truck if the door is open. I want to be next to him. This damn "man's best friend" credo is killing me because I really would like to kill him for what he did to my Jehovah's witnesses. (I call my balls Jehovah witnesses because the come in pairs and they keep knocking at your door but you never let them in.)

Anyway...

Whatever.

I'm going to take a nap.

Go **** yourself!

I don't know what a meme is but I don't like it...

So I know that I'm well indowed but this is rediculous.  This is a collection of pictures from a group text conversation between the whole family that I discovered on Kasey's phone.  I'm holding Kasey, Jonah, and Carey personally responsible for creating and sharing these invasive displays of so called "comedy."

despicable...

Sweet mother of God I was tricked!

Let's go for a ride in the truck he said. Lets go spend a wonderful fun filled day together. It would be just us two boys, windows down, cool breeze blowing, sun shining.  We would cruise around for a while. Maybe make a few stops for some nonsensical errands. It would be great, Just like it always is.

But this time wasn't like it always is. Not at all.

This time we went to the vet. Now I've been to the vet before. I don't really like it but it's not traumatizing.  They stick me with some needles and trim some nails.  You know, normal check up stuff.  This time they put me to sleep. This time during my peaceful slumber they TOOK.... MY.... F'ING... BALLS!!!

They removed my testicles!  My testicles are missing. Gone. No more. vamoose. Empty scrotum. Do you know... Can you even imagine what its like to wake up with a valued part of your anatomy missing?

Would you use a pen without ink?  Would you use a vehicle without gas? Would you use a gun without bullets? Or a sailboat without wind?  NO!  Then what the hell am I suppose to use my wiener for now?!

My sack looks like a kids birthday balloon after it has been deflated. Can you imagine the extreme life scarring sadness that little kid is feeling trying to play with their shriveled up useless birthday balloon?

I don't know who i'm more mad at. The vet for removing them or my human overlords for decreeing this dark deed to be done.

The icing on this cake of suffering has to be the ring of shame I've had to wear for a week so I "couldn't lick myself." This just adds insult to injury. It's like a kick in the nuts after a kick in the nuts. Oh Wait... I DON'T HAVE THOSE ANY MORE!

So I found out what a neuter was and let me tell you brother, it not a damn treat. Someone will pay for this. Someone will suffer what I have suffered. The will feel my deeply entrenched emotional and physical torment.

Although, annoyingly, i'm starting to feel slightly less aggressive. What is going on?

Look at that smug SOB. We are on the way to the vet. If I had known then....

I can't even enjoy being on the boat. I hate my life.

WTF?! I can't even begin to comment.

I'm so excited

I must share with everyone the awesome news. The humans have been gabbing on all week about a special treat they are giving me tomorrow. Every day they seem to get more and more excited about it.

I don't think I have ever seen them so enthusiastic about something. Well actually Kasey and Jonah go through various stages of being happy about my treat and then give me these looks like they are about to say goodbye to an old friend.  I am confused.

I do think the treat is food of some kind though.  The humans keep motioning to my belly when they are talking about it.

Either way its hard to sleep. I guess I should sleep though because they just took away my food and water. Oh well. I wonder how a neuter tastes anyway....

It's not what it looks like...

I don't know how this video got leaked but it is definitely, positively not what it looks like...  

He came on to me! I told him "no, i'm not into that sort of thing because it's wrong and unnatural," but he wouldn't listen. You see how big he is. I couldn't tell him no or who knows what he would do to me.  He told me I had a pretty mouth and stuff and stared at me with an evil glint in his eyes.

Despite how it looks I was definitely not enjoying myself. Duke probably was enjoying himself because he's that kind of dog. I, on the other hand, am a wholesome and respectable canine. Although I do get lonely... From time to time... 

I think i'm being set up here. This is blackmail! I wonder what the demands will be? I have a stash of Jack's Links Beef Jerky! Take it all!

The way things work around here.

The whole point of my operation is to get my paws on as much "people food" as possible.  This is slightly more difficult with Kasey around because he doesn't allow that but like I've told you before, I run this compound. I'm pulling more strings around this joint than Tom Green in "Freddy got Fingered." Let me break it down for you.

Kasey and Amber are the front. They do give me the legitimate food but who really wants that? If none of the side gigs are working I can still always fall back on that one. They give me the "Freshpet Select" ( http://freshpet.com/products/freshpet-select-grain-free-tender-chicken-garden-vegetables-dog-food-recipe/ ) which is pretty good as far as dog food goes but it's still dog food.  They tried to switch me to dry dog food once so it would be easier to bring me on the boat and I had to hold out for 2 months, barely eating and loosing weight, before they gave in and got me the refrigerated Freshpet again. Suckers.

Jonah is the muscle. He gives me the strokes on the regular, and takes over for Kasey and Amber when they are out of town.  He's also the keeper of the girls and lets me have at them every now and then. He provides a little side food but mainly keeps my girls in line for me. He's the one who gave me my first hit of Jack's Links. Sweet, sweet Jack's Links.  I would duct tape you to a chair and make you watch while I do unspeakable things to your own mother for Jack's Links beef jerky.

Jedi and myself have come to an agreement. It's a mutually beneficial arrangement. He accidentally drops some food from time to time and I don't turn his toys into my chew toys. The only problem with this deal is he's young and sloppy.  His inexperience keeps getting us busted.  Last night he was schmoozing Amber in the kitchen for some delicious deli turkey and then delivering my cut to the gate in my room. Everything was going great until he started dropping off the goods and going back for more too quickly. Amber caught on and tailed him to the room. We were busted.

Other than that I'm always casing the living room for food someone sits down unattended or the kitchen for something that gets blessedly dropped on the floor. It's a tough gig but it pays off.  I stay full and everyone else stays happy.

Now i'm really mad!

Look what I found! The humans made that furry bastard his own youtube video!  Kasey thinks I don't check his youtube channel!  The only reason i'm sharing this with you is because i'm in the video too.  If it wasn't for that i'd be barking up a storm right now! Where's my friggin' youtube video? I'm cute too dammit! AAHHH!

My furry little...sexy...competition.

So Nana (Kasey's Mom) went and got a pet.  Now I realize that i'm not technically her pet anyway but make no mistake, I run this compound.  I have free rein of the yard and the house.  I jump in anyone's lap I wish and pretty much get my way.  I'm the compound pet. 

Now Nana brings home this... abomination of farm animals. I know what a goat is.  There are three that live on the compound too.  They stay out in the field or in their pen. They do not come in the house! 

 Also I follow people around without a leash and collar on. Why is it so great when he does it?

What's worse is they think that it's impressive that he is potty trained at 1 month old.  Hey, i'm potty trained! I choose to mark my territory because like I said, I run this compound!

The worst part of all has to be how cute he is. I mean that's what the humans say, not me...  He is irresistibly soft and cuddly.  That's why I was trying to hug him... from behind.  I was just trying to see if he was really as soft as the humans were saying he is.  And he is.... So soft....

Too long!

Oh god it's been too long.  I love being a seaman but I don't get to sail as much as I would like.  My pets took me out on the high seas with them and it was awesome! We maxed and relaxed as we made our way south to the mouth of Anclote River leading to Tarpon Springs.  I got out on Anclote Key to do some exploring and watched the sunset.

Everything was great except I did kind of tinkle in the bed on Kasey's legs even though I had just used the bathroom on the island hours before...  He woke up thinking it was raining and started shutting hatches,  He was not very happy.  I hope that doesn't hurt my chances of going back.  I'm curious to see what this "litter box" he mentioned is...

Just "hanging out" in the car with Kasey and napping while Amber provisions in Walmart.

I'm on top but I'm a little hard to see.

The good life

I've been a bad wiener...

So I've been a bad wiener. It's not my fault though. She smells so good.  Bailey is in what the humans call "heat."  I don't know what that is except she is getting me all hot and bothered.  She is all I can think about.  I can't eat, I can't sleep, I don't come when called, and I have to be with her.  I keep getting in trouble for going into the pen with her though.  Kasey even lined the lower half of the pen with Non-climb fencing but I still got over it with the help of a conveniently place cinder block.  He was not happy.  He made some reference to not being happy about beating his wiener.  He thought it was amusing but I don't get it. Then again I don't get a lot of what humans talk about.  He has since lined more of the pen with fencing too small for me to slip through.  So I'm forced to sit and lick her, and myself, from the outside of the pen.  How long will this magical spell last?

Haha!

So my life jacket was left on the sailboat, I got to get on the jon boat without protection!